The 'Dome' - the full, painfully true story

Well, it's 3:18 AM and I'm wide awake for some reason - and I was thinking of a great blog idea. So here I am.

First, let's pretend it's 1982 and there is a new state of the art stadium being built in downtown Minneapolis. It's going to host games for the Vikings, Twins, and of course Gophers Football...flash forward 27 years to present day and 2 clubs are on their way out while the final remaining team is trying to find a way out anyway that they can.

The Dome provded a huge home-field advantage for the Purple and for the Twins throughout many successful years over that 27 year run. But with as many great things and good karma as it brought those two, it went the complete opposite way for the Gophers. So you might be asking yourself, "what happened? why didn't the Maroon and Gold experience the same great results that the other two 'home' teams have over the last quarter century?"

Well, when the brain-trust decided to move off campus and inside for NCAA Football, the gods of this great sport threw a curse over the Maroon and Gold that would not be lifted until September 12, 2009. Many rare and sometimes bizarre demons were cast upon the lowly HHH Dome and are finally be exorcised in 2 weeks.

Some expert ghost hunters were sent in to clean out the place and report back the findings recently, here are some of the rare species that they found:

1. RIVALRY KILLERIOUS
This spirit ensures that you will not win games against your rivals at home - there were a few exceptions through the Dome's life, but this explains a lot of the troubles we've had with the Hogeyes and Becky throughout the last 27 years. And it works hand in hand with the 2nd ghost on the list...

2. FANBASEIOUS KILLERIOUS
This demon ensures that 1/2 the crowd for rivalry games will be from the opposition, which pretty much negates and even reverses the "home-field" advantage at times. It also controls your average fan's age and moves the dial upwards from ~35 to about ~60, which continues to kill the home field advantage.

3. BO AND WOODY-IOUS
This hybrid spirit of the 2 former legends at the 2 biggest schools in the B10 were so angry at the move that they made it impossible to beat MICH and OHIOST throughout the entire 27 year existence in the Dome...don't piss off the legends of the game. The Gophers proved it to be possible that they could beat these teams throughout the last few years, however none of those wins came in the Dome...coincidence?

4. 400+ LOSERSOUS
Something that was once thought to be impossible was proved to be very much a reality over and over again throughout our dome run. "Run the ball to win...unless you are cursed, then you're just f'd." When you control the game and run for 400+ yards but still can't manage a victory you know there are other worldy forces working against you.

5. DEFENSIVIOUS MATADORIOUS
The incredible amount of bad defenses was driven by this little guy. He ensures that no matter how well you play on the other side of the ball, your defense can always even things up. The 31-0 OHIOST half time lead and the god-awful MICH game come to mind when I think about this one. But he did not work alone...

6. ATHLETIOUS MUST PLAY OFFENSIOUS
This one made it impossible for the Gophers to play any solid athelete who could potentially carry, catch, or throw the ball on defense. No matter how stacked we were or how buried this guy might be on the depth chart - this spirit made it impossible for us to recruit anyone to play defense. It implanted the Mason-mantra of "why should I try to recruit defensive players when I can fill that side with walk-ons and gimme recruits and try to just outscore everyone." Makes sense, right?

7. REVOLVING-IOUS DEFENSIVECOORDINATOR-IOUS
Mason went through at least 6 in his 10 years, Brew is on his 3rd in 3 years...this isn't normal people. Evil spirits are at work once again, just to make sure that our squad really has no chance on D.

8. BIG-GAMEIOUS SUCK-IOUS
Can you remember the last big game the Gophers won in the Dome? Anybody? Me neither. All the marquee wins I can come up with were on the road (ILL 2008, MICH, OHIOST, PENNST)...coincidence?


9. 55-donutious
This evil bastard reared his head for the final Gopher 'dome game' ever. Once you experience something this bad, the spirits realize they have done their job and you know that the curse is on the way out. This was a fitting end to a 27 year run that really never had a chance. We have a tough enough time playing against our opponents on Saturday, much less playing against the unbeatable super-natural world as well.

The great thing about this is that all of these spirits die on 9/12/09 with the proverbial death of the dome. Does this mean that the Gophers will never lose a home game again...no. But it does level the playing field and give our favorite club a chance once again when playing at home - this couldn't be said for the last 27 years of misery.

11 days until the exorcism - whether you are in the bleachers around 6pm on that fateful night or just watching on your couch you will be able to hear, feel, and see the change that this program will undergo that evening. This will be the last mention of these horrible demons and the heartache that they have caused us over the last 27 years - as far as I am concerned and as far as the college football gods are concerned, we have a clean slate. Our past missteps have been paid for, and it's a new page in Gopher history...finally.

Welcome to 2009 and the New Minnesota Golden Gophers.